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| God
is teaching me alot about being HUMBLE and the pride that so indwells
my heart. Sad thing to realize how much pride I have- pride of life and
the absurd thoughts that I control my own life.
"Humbleness is simply the sense of entire nothingness, which comes when we see how truly God is all, and in which we make way for God to be all.... humility is simply acknowledging the truth of his creature, and yielding to God His place."
-Andrew Murray's Humility
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|  I
had a great weekend. and when i say great i mean time spent with great
family, great friends, great food, great times! i came away
from friday and saturday thinking about god and his great love. i sat
with tears in my eyes thinking, "how in the world did god give me the
most amazing people to be friends with. these people show me the love
of Christ so clearly. " how awesome is Jesus- giving me things i DO NOT
deserve- not even a glimpse at the trueness of god's love in
human form through my friends!
god is changing my heart about some things. things i would have never
imagined would truly happen. he has captured my heart again. i am
secure in his love and am strong by his might.
a good friend katie reminded me of our alienation from the world. "Am I
now trying to win the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to
please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a
servant of Christ." -galatians 1:10
*question to ask yourself: who are you living for?
i was thinking about a very dear friend of mine and thought about his
character and what that was. speaking to the lord about it I discovered
the things i see in him are in fact the fruits of the spirit. this guy
does not shout the name of the lord on every street corner (i mean even
the Pharisees could do that) but his actions and attitudes of his hear
reflect his true love of the lord.
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| HELLO world
(H-E-Y-L-L-O-H!) soo my last update seemed soo depressing and those who
knows probabaly wondered what went wrong. I am really never that upset
about anything. And please forgive me for rambling on and on but
sometimes it feel good to just let it out! I promise you this will not
be a place where you read/hear all my worries and shortcomings! Things
are good now in the wonderful life of Nicole Holland. The situation I
was desribin earlier has been resolved- the person appologized
and things were clarified. It still has left somewhat of a distance
between us but Jesus knows what going on. something I learned from that
situation- really cool!:
I was called selfish and I
wondered if that were really true about me or this person just lashed
out. Well I pray and the Lord revealed that in fact WE alllll are
selfish beings. We are taught to do what is best for ourselves, how we
can get ahead or be successful or happy. Well this world SUCKS and
teaches us the wrong things!!! Compared to Jesus we are the most
SELFISH beings ever. He NEVER thought about himself!! Do you realize
that?!?! I mean yeah, we talk about his ultimate sacrifice but in
EVERTHING you know He puts everyone else above himself. There are
soo many areas in my life I can chose to be like Jesus. It says in
Romans 12 to offer our bodies as living sarifices. I dont if I am
reading this wrong but the Holy Spirit put it on my heart that that
mean sacrificing your own personal wants and needs far the sake of
anyone you come in contact with. sacrifice your own comfort so others
may see the love that Christ WOULD show them! In response to the great
mercy, it is our reasonable service to do this. GOSH- God is good and
His love is greater and greater for us everyday!!! At church Sunday we
read James 4- verse 6 says "He gives MOREgrace". Yes He gave us amazing
grace for the sake of our salvation but it doesnt stop there! He
continuously pours it out on us- through all the mistakes, screw ups,
prideful living we do!
 haha this is a funny face man!
YESSSSSS- I made impact!!! I am
looking soo forward to meeting and learning from all the people
involved. To see the way Christ works in different people's lives nad
get pumped for the FISH. I am ready to work my little (well big in my
case) hinny off for those lovely little kids. I want to be the hands
and feet of Christ and reach out! I want to be battling for them before
the throne of the Lord!
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|  i've
allowed someone to hurt me. You would think I'd learn my lesson but it
seems I can not escape the feeling of thinking someone cares about me.
It doens't matter exactly what way they care for me but to think that
someone out there is looking out for you- that's what we all
really want. Somehow it always seems to happen that I let someone get
close to me-dangerously close then they seem to betray the trust I've
given them. Trust, yes but most of all the power I've given them. The
power to know me sooo close- the power to know how to hurt me! And when
that happens, the person I held soo close I want to toss as far away as
possible. It's like I see a picture in my head- me holding real tight
onto a rock or something and when I finally relax it cuts me and I get
soo angry- not just at that thing but at myself for bringing it so
close that I want to chunck it with all my might as far away as I can
get it. And then maybe I'll feel better. maybe. but anyway i cried
tonight. that hasn't happened in a long time- or from the cause of
another person's words at least. i cried because i had been hurt so
deeply. i cried because i realized this person whom I thought knew me
ohh so well DIDNT at all. Whatever...... anyway after about 10 minutes
of a pity-party I felt a peace. I am NOT these things I was
accused of being. And Christ allowed me to see the imperfections of
another human I held so dearly to show how much more HE is to me. The
longings I have- to have someone close- can only be satisfied with Him.
ALSO ---The "perfect guy" I am looking for isnt out there but instead I
already have the love of the MOST PERFECT BEING ever! He has shown me
once again that I WILL dissapointed, hurt, angry with those around me
but He is the ultimate love. HE LOVES ME. that's all there is to it,
and you know what- He will NEVER hurt or leave or scar me. And that's
great to know and so reassuring to feel.
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| FEAR-
such a word and something the good Lord is teaching me alot about
recently. Funny how we worry ourselves sooo much- people in this world
cause themselves ulcers and heart attacks and all kinds of other health
issues because of fear. Fear, most of the time unnecessary, causes
worry. And worry is a sin, I believe. You may be different but the Lord
has taught me that is so. When I worry it is simply telling God I dont
really trust His provision and power in my life. Soo I had a great talk
with a friend of such intense purity of heart and may I say that is the
most enlightening thing in the world- innocense and purity of heart. so
we talked about our lives and futures and where our heart leads us.
sounds corny I know but it was awesome. She asked me what would I do
with my life (or what would God be doing with my life more precisely)
if I didnt have fear in my life. Gosh- what a question!! I mean when I
sit and think- there are soo many things I fear. and that fear is
debilitating. I fear the uncertainty of the future. I fear loneliness.
i fear making mistakes. i fear dissaproval from people. the list goes
on. What do you fear? What is debilitating in your own life? Fear of
people? Fear OS uncertainty? Fear of feeling? Becuase I think I also
fear that sometimes- i fear feelings. Yeah I wear my heart on my sleeve
and i believe people know how i am feeling at any time but i think alot
of times i fear feeling something for someone. showing someone the
respect and admiration i have for them- in fear that it will be taken
the wrong way or not reciprocated. anyway- i was at yoga- yes me at yoga
and she made us do this meditation thingy. well i decided this would be
a much more appropriate time to pray. and the lady (with some crazy
name like tribukan) said to wrap your mind around the thing in your
life that stands in the way. maybe fear (hmmm that hit a nerve!) ,
maybe fear about the future (hmm is this lady reading my mind?)
interesting - well the lord has been teaching me about fear and letting
Him fill my hunger for things of this world. ya know- the things that
get us down, distract our "good intentions"
sooo i was having one of those late night conversations in my bed where
you are half falling asleep last night and that person called me
sweetie right as we were hanging up. it was soo harmless and i know
nothing was meant by it- but i think that is just the welll--- sweetest
thing ever! made me smile and feel warm inside.
my dad flew to africa yesterday- i meant to call him before he left and
tell him i Love him. i mean you never know what can happen. he will be
in Africa for a month and has to do all this crazy stuff to make sure
he doesn't catch anything. so please pray for him!! thanks
goodnight sweet friends
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